Identity compensation
You compensate with a part of you for the upside or downside of a change in your life.
Whenever you come across a change in your life, you let go of a part of yourself. You compensate a part of you for the upside or downside of that change. That could be anything. From as big as moving out to a different country or working on an exciting project to being friends with someone or losing friendship with someone. Every change can be equated to identity.
But change is scary, isn’t it? Humans repel change. They fear it more than anything else. Our brain fails to comprehend there’s nothing on the other side of the fear to be afraid of. We all know that but still, fail to use it as a mental model in our life. We want a sense of security. A psychological safety net that gives us comfort. There is a reason why one of the hardest things in the world is to change one’s mind.
But it’s the change that brings improvement in life. Not in the materialistic sense but inner world in a non-mystical sense. It is far easier to change your outside environment than inside. Rearranging preconceived notions, beliefs, and ideologies is near to impossible for almost everyone. Together, they build our identity.
As you grow up, those beliefs get stronger. It gets deeply embedded in your brain. Quite evident in old people. You can’t change your parent’s minds about some things. It’s near impossible. For your happiness, maybe they would agree to change.
Over time, their identity has become such an integral part of them, that they won’t be even willing to question it. Change requires energy, effort and discomfort. They don’t want any of that at that particular age because of various reasons. Even scientifically, our brain isn’t completely developed till the age of 25, so it also makes sense from that perspective. James Baldwin gives some interesting perspective on this:
"Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety. And at such a moment, unable to see and not daring to imagine what the future will now bring forth, one clings to what one knew, or dreamed that one possessed. Yet, it is only when a man is able, without bitterness or self-pity, to surrender a dream he has long possessed that he is set free...he has set himself free...for higher dreams, for greater privileges.”
At the end of the day, our identity is what makes us. Some people are very integrated with their identity. Some hold it loosely. Those who held it tight are more often than not found in politics. They know how to hack the primitive instincts of the masses and give them a sense of belonging. Which gives them a strong identity they were always seeking. People can kill for that identity. History and even the present era confirm that. They can kill if they find out the story they were told is not true. Well, believe it or not, questioning identity could be lethal.
So which one is good, tightly being held to your identity or loosely holding onto it? There exists a certain kind of person who is tightly held to some part of identity, but has enough of it loosely held such that s/he does not fear change. Not fearing change is more important than thinking about identity. They are strong enough to change when life forces them to be. Sometimes you have no choice but to adopt the new truth of your life that came with that particular change. You can’t do anything about some situations which are totally not in your control. You have to keep a straight backbone, no matter the situation.
Personally, I genuinely respect a person who has her/his identity sorted. By religion, ideologies, authority, fiction, cults, or maybe…internet. They already know what is right and wrong. They often have already predetermined paths to follow. They know they have to follow certain rituals without any question. Before modernity gets them, they are living a content life. They know the purpose of their existence, more or less.
Obviously, Paul Graham got his version of it, that is keep your identity small. Many smart people become close-minded after gaining a pinch of wisdom. Because after gaining a pinch of wisdom, people form their identities with those ideas. Which becomes extremely hard to get rid of, as the identity is the self. So, when you keep your identity small, you are open to everything. You appreciate the beauty of everything. While clearly observing the cons in anything. You are free from your own mind, which most people are not. Sadly or not, it’s the truth.
Take, for example, a person whose whole identity is based on the clearance of one exam would just be devastated forever if they fail in it. Most of the time, the result is in the hands of another human being. There could be millions of reasons why that person decided to reject you that day. But let’s not go there. It’s just straight-up absurd to me.
The paradox of success is that while it’s important to have the best version of your identity in order to succeed, your identity is not THAT important. For an artist, identity is something that is very integral to them. Art is just a way to find your own identity. So, an artist's work would stop if they just define their identity with something. While an entrepreneur or businessman has to integrate their identity tightly with their creation. At least, for a while. They have to obsess with the product they have built-in order to sell it and convince others to join you in the way.
British philosopher John Locke defines identity philosophically as persisting memories that are linked together. They are more like connected chains than scattered random events. He argues you are connected to the 5-year-old version of you with the memory you have about yourself. But if your identity is so integrated with your memory, I wonder why don't you remember what you ate for lunch three days back?
Another Scottish philosopher David Hume says that there is no constant from your birth to death. You clearly don’t say that you are the same as your 10-year-old self, right? He says that we are just an ever-changing accumulation of experiences, who are fooled to think of it as a constant because our body basically looks and feels the same as yesterday.
Now there also comes the good ‘ol Ship of Theseus argument. Which states that if you have a ship and one by one you replace every part of that ship with a brand new part. Is it the same ship you had at first or is it now a completely new ship? Is it now a new ship or the same Ship of Theseus that sailed through the dock for the first time?
Thanks a ton to Srushti and Ankit for providing feedback, honest thoughts, and improvements on drafts of this.